I believe in being the wall against which kids must push up against and that parenting is not a popularity contest. I think it’s usually safe to talk to one’s feelings ( i.e., “I need to talk about our confrontation. It really scared me. It must not happen again because that behavior is just not acceptable to me. I’m your parent and even when you and I disagree you are not to be physical with me or I’ll have to come up with appropriate consequences for out of control behavior. What are ways we can deal with those times when my authority–right or wrong–needs to prevail, and those times will probably arise because I am your guardian. Time may tell if my “rules” are right but we need to discuss how we handle our anger, etc, etc”).
There are some good books in the library on dealing with confrontational behavior that might give you some ideas and words that could work for you. For what it’s worth, my daughter and I made it through adolescence pretty well but this last year, with her as a senior at Harvard, has been our worst mother-daughter year. I found some of her behavior last summer unacceptable and finally, after a bad scene, I canceled the insurance on the car she was driving. It sure got her attention. My feeling was that you don’t bite the hand that feeds you. Recently we’ve made a make-do peace. I’ve let her know I will not discuss certain issues with her any longer without it being in the presence of a counselor because what I say and what she hears are not the same. She claims she is willing to pursue this route (the city and therapist of her choosing–she’s not home or in the country at the moment) but has not found the time or person yet. I don’t care if it takes her one year or 10 years to get around to it but I need a third person, for me, to feel safe in dealing with our issues.
Vicki Lansky’s practical, common sense approach to parenting is familiar to millions throughout the world. Vicki’s first book, Feed Me, I’m Yours, published in 1974, and still one of the most popular baby/toddler food cookbooks in the country, was followed by The Taming of the C.A.N.D.Y. Monster, a #1 New York Times bestseller. Her other titles include: Toilet Training, Birthday Parties Best Party Tips & Ideas For Ages 1-8, Dear Babysitter Handbook, Welcoming Your Second Baby, Getting Your Child to Sleep … and Back to Sleep, Trouble-free Travel with Children, Baby Proofing Basics and Games Babies Play From Birth to Twelve Months, Koko Bear’s New Potty, A New Baby at Koko Bear’s House, Koko Bear and the New Babysitter, and Koko Bear’s Big Earache. Vicki Lansky’s Divorce Book for Parents: Helping Children Cope with Divorce and Its Aftermath
