Q: My wife and I work long hours at high-stress jobs in order
to have the time and money to take one or two nice vacations each year. The last three have been disasters because of the way our teenagers (a son, l7, and a daughter, 15) behave.
We spend the whole time trying to do things they would enjoy, but they don’t appreciate them. Instead of relaxing on vacations, we deal with their surly behavior, hostility and sarcastic remarks.
All our daughter does is fuss over her hair, whine, complain about everything and tell us how bored she is.
Our son fusses because we don’t let him drive and he never wants to sit in the back. And, in his opinion, he is an expert on everything and never hesitates to tell you so.
We have tried sitting them down and explaining before the trip what will be acceptable or tolerated behavior; we have given them choices of where we should eat or how to spend a day, etc.
Nothing has worked.
We thought about leaving them at home, but all our close relatives live far away.
Are there other parents of teens who have kids that are this unappreciative of the time, expense and planning that goes into a vacation?
We need suggestions. — Perplexed Dad, Lansing
A: Readers who have suggestions for you can mail them to me at Box 828, Detroit 48231. However, I cannot pass them on to you with a personal note unless you, Dad, send me your address, as do most people who write to me.
Some parents think they automatically owe their teens vacations and trips; others think family vacations must include everyone, no matter what; others think family vacations are privileges we must earn or deserve. Talk this over. Evaluating what you believe about vacations will help guide your actions in this matter.
Perhaps you need to think more seriously about either leaving your teens at home or sending them home or to a relative if they cannot behave acceptably on a trip.
Some folks work this out with friends who have teens; the couples take turns, with one couple keeping all the kids while the other goes on vacation.
Some parents take the kids on one trip and go alone on
another.
It also may be worthwhile to save a little extra money and fly to your destination, since driving with your teens is so stressful.
Giving teens your rules ahead of time and giving them
choices in the planning are good ideas.
However, you seem to have no plans for punishment and mention no consequences they suffer for their poor behavior. You need to tell them specifically what will happen if they misbehave, and then follow through. Also reward good behavior.
This kind of discipline should occur consistently in your
home all year, not just on trips.
Evelyn Petersen’s nationally syndicated parenting column is carried in over 200 newspapers twice each week. As a family/parenting consultant, early childhood educator, Head Start consultant, and host of a series of parent training audio and video tapes, Ms. Petersen employs an approach of providing hands-on, nuts and bolts advice to parents across the country.Evelyn Petersen’s nationally syndicated parenting column is carried in over 200 newspapers twice each week. As a family/parenting consultant, early childhood educator, Head Start consultant, and host of a series of parent training audio and video tapes, Ms. Petersen employs an approach of providing hands-on, nuts and bolts advice to parents across the country. You can read more from Evelyn at her web site: www.askevelyn.com
