Q: I usually agree with your advice, but when you were a teen in the 1950s, your family had more time to have talks and do things together. Today there’s just not enough time. — K.P., Clear Lake, Texas
A: I agree that making time to interact with their teens is one of the biggest problems facing today’s parents. However, not making that time can have consequences that most of us cannot afford. Look at some alternatives.
Suppose you are always too busy to provide closeness and intimacy in the home. It doesn’t really take a lot of time to stop and give a hug or squeeze. When kids are adolescents and teens, they seek physical closeness and intimacy. If you don’t take time to give it, they will look elsewhere and may become involved in sexual relationships leading to pregnancy, or to AIDS or other diseases.
Suppose you give kids material things to compensate for the time not spent with them. What effect will this have on their values? Would they understand that we must earn the things we want? Will they have unrealistic expectations about adult life, living expenses and jobs? Will they feel that material goods are worth more than human life? I think fewer gifts and more of your time is a better trade-off.
If you are too busy to tell your kids what your values are, too busy to say you do not approve of drugs or drinking, they are likely to assume that whatever they do is OK. It doesn’t take much time to give your opinion. They just need to hear it, and hear that your reasons are based on your love and concern for them.
If you find that it’s easier and faster to say yes than it is to say no and explain your reasons, how will your child know about the rules and limits he or she eventually will have to live with? If everything is yes, how will they learn to say no? Explaining your “no” to a child takes about 3 to 10 minutes, depending on their age. The time spent is worth it.
The bottom line is that if you have kids and you want them to grow up capable of making it in this risk-filled world, there is no choice. You must figure out and prioritize ways to make time for them. Start by logging your time for one day to see where it goes.
Evelyn Petersen’s nationally syndicated parenting column is carried in over 200 newspapers twice each week. As a family/parenting consultant, early childhood educator, Head Start consultant, and host of a series of parent training audio and video tapes, Ms. Petersen employs an approach of providing hands-on, nuts and bolts advice to parents across the country.Evelyn Petersen’s nationally syndicated parenting column is carried in over 200 newspapers twice each week. As a family/parenting consultant, early childhood educator, Head Start consultant, and host of a series of parent training audio and video tapes, Ms. Petersen employs an approach of providing hands-on, nuts and bolts advice to parents across the country. You can read more from Evelyn at her web site: www.askevelyn.com
